Quick update for the first time in months. Left my job at the end of July and am still unemployed and looking for work.

I have wrangled off a couple of kilos and am currently closer to 71 than 73. Still, it's a ways to my proposed 55.

May close this blog down and start a new one. In any case, I am here! :)

new beginnings....

Going to try once again to get into the habits I want. Not really drinking much lately and stopped smoking. Today is the 7th day without cigs. BUT, I have been eating like a continuous binge. Help!!!

a fitting Eve....

Hi all. New Year's Eve here but I'm heading in to work. I really want to go to the gym but it's not open till noon. There is a branch near the office so I may try to go to that later in the day. I am trying to keep my nose above water. Notice I said nose and not head because the head is already partially under...

I decided, and, yes, it was kind of conscious, to eat sugar for the third day straight the other day. I had a small binge, nothing too outrageous, but enough to call forth memories of much bigger ones. Then yesterday I started again with the self-imposed sugar ban and got through the day.

When I came home from work the bag of candy from a box my sister had sent me for Christmas box (the bag is tied and on a high shelf) called loudly to me and i was about to tear into it, but then just said, NO!

Yes, I am tired of it all. My weight is creeping up. I did get to the gym yesterday. But, it seems to be all for nought. My body is resisting. The stars seem set against me. It shouldn't be this hard. It's just not right.

On the booze front, I was going to allow myself to drink tonight and still might, but invitations to countdown parties have me turned off. I would prefer a quiet evening with a friend and a couple glasses of something and that's it. But that's not going to happen, one, because I have so few friends and two, because everyone is elsewhere or doing something else for the Eve. There's a cool invite to a party at some bar where a friend is singing in the band, but it's far from home and even though the trains run all night here tonight, the thought of all these seriously drunken, extremely loud people is a turnoff. Some weeks ago, it would have been a draw. I would have been one of them, at least the seriously drunken part. But the thought of ending nearly two months of total abstinence with a night like it will surely be at this bar, known in normal times, apparently, for its "serious" drinking, is scary, truly scary.

Here's hoping I can get through the day with a semblance of self-control.

marking the days...

Big race today and it was all I could do to get out and to the track. I don't think I've ever felt this way. Just draggin' and needing time to myself.

Too many things to think about, none of them pleasant. Have a job offer that's not really an offer It's more a challenge and I'm scared to take it, but feeling I have to rise to the challenges life presents me with.

Anyhow...it'll pan out. Life pans out.

I am still on top of my no drinking challenge that I swore to myself I would take through to the new year. Tonight was a close call though. I could have had a drink. I was at the race track, big race and all, the usual thing to "mark" afterward with a drink, but I was truly just planning on going home. Then a guy said, "let's go drinking." He helped me send my story and then disappeared. I wanted to drink, but I thought I could also get out of it and still join him, just drink tea or something. He probably wouldn't care. Anyhow, I called him on his cell and found he was already on his way out, about to grab a taxi and go to some bar. He said he'd wait but I said it was OK, and truly meant it. I no longer had to test myself. Something was helping me there, I think!

As I walked the long way to the station, a good 30 mins, I reflected on this need to "mark" the days with drinks. I thought of all the races, all the events I ended with drinks, not that I got smashed or anything, but still, would get a buzz or a bit sloppy and call that a day. It was a ritual. It's a ritual I'm starting to see the uselessness of. I mean wouldn't drinking just make the day a bit more blurry or make me forget something of the actual day? Wouldn't it make more sense to really try to remember the day, the race, the person, the conversation, something that truly stood out as unique on that particular day, instead of yet another drink, another buzz, another stumble home?

Then again, I was wondering if I'm just becoming a recluse because I don't go out if I'm not drinking, not much. It's not the same. You don't just grab someone for "dinner" but you can grab 'em for "a drink," especially here in Tokyo. It's totally normal.
Anyhow, I stuck to my guns. Maybe that's good for something, eh? Fifty-three days and only a few left and then I'll see what I want to do.....

shinjuku lights...

Just a couple photos for you from Tokyo. Just took them with my phone so excuse the blurred look, though I think it's pretty cool and adds a surreal touch.
I am still alcohol, cig and sugar free and wondering if I shouldn't ride the year out this way. It's about 44 days now so I think I can just about say no to anything, any party or occasion they throw my way. The question now is, where do I want to take this? I despise moderation but am an instant snowballer. I do very well with all or nothing, thus these 6 weeks of nothing.
If it weren't for a terrible rash and cracked skin on my fingers (oh, so painful) I'd say I'm feeling pretty darned good.

nerves...

I am so nervous and nerves have always translated to anxiety and near constant eating with me. I am sitting here trying my hardest to NOT allow this to happen.
About a week ago, totally out of the blue, I got a call for a possible new position. I've met them a couple times and today is another meeting. It would be a BIG change and financially I don't know if I could hack it. It would also mean a LOT more work and huge responsibility. But, it would mean personal growth.....why is growth always linked with such unpleasantries...lol. So, let's see. I was too nervous to go see my horse today because I knew I would be thinking about this meeting today and not able to concentrate on her (which translates to a bad lesson and possible freakouts by her).
On a positive note, it is now 40 days without any alcohol or cigarettes and sugar isn't far behind. My weight is slowly, VERY slowly dropping and I feel a lot better. I also think I look a lot better, but that is relative, isn't it?
Well, here's keeping my fingers crossed that things are going to be looking up REAL soon!!

things getting scary...

Hmmm. Just got a call from a workmate who told me they're not going to continue her contract. Things are getting scary at work with cuts all around.
I've got to buckle down and get to work and find more work for one thing.
Just wanted to post something to bring this up to date.
Have not had ANY alcohol in over a month! No cigarettes either and NO sugar! Is that like awesome or what?