marking the days...

Big race today and it was all I could do to get out and to the track. I don't think I've ever felt this way. Just draggin' and needing time to myself.

Too many things to think about, none of them pleasant. Have a job offer that's not really an offer It's more a challenge and I'm scared to take it, but feeling I have to rise to the challenges life presents me with.

Anyhow...it'll pan out. Life pans out.

I am still on top of my no drinking challenge that I swore to myself I would take through to the new year. Tonight was a close call though. I could have had a drink. I was at the race track, big race and all, the usual thing to "mark" afterward with a drink, but I was truly just planning on going home. Then a guy said, "let's go drinking." He helped me send my story and then disappeared. I wanted to drink, but I thought I could also get out of it and still join him, just drink tea or something. He probably wouldn't care. Anyhow, I called him on his cell and found he was already on his way out, about to grab a taxi and go to some bar. He said he'd wait but I said it was OK, and truly meant it. I no longer had to test myself. Something was helping me there, I think!

As I walked the long way to the station, a good 30 mins, I reflected on this need to "mark" the days with drinks. I thought of all the races, all the events I ended with drinks, not that I got smashed or anything, but still, would get a buzz or a bit sloppy and call that a day. It was a ritual. It's a ritual I'm starting to see the uselessness of. I mean wouldn't drinking just make the day a bit more blurry or make me forget something of the actual day? Wouldn't it make more sense to really try to remember the day, the race, the person, the conversation, something that truly stood out as unique on that particular day, instead of yet another drink, another buzz, another stumble home?

Then again, I was wondering if I'm just becoming a recluse because I don't go out if I'm not drinking, not much. It's not the same. You don't just grab someone for "dinner" but you can grab 'em for "a drink," especially here in Tokyo. It's totally normal.
Anyhow, I stuck to my guns. Maybe that's good for something, eh? Fifty-three days and only a few left and then I'll see what I want to do.....