woe on top of woe....

On Saturday I went to the riding club and was told that I had to stay off my horse for at least a month because the vet said she has a lot of pain in her legs as well as some problems with her heart. Shit. On top of being worried about her, especially the heart part, I am sick not to be riding. Suddenly, everything seems changed for me. There's this huge hole left where the routine had been and I did poorly trying to fill it. Saturday night I broke over a week of no drinking by heading to a bar I know and staying out till 8:30 a.m. Sunday. After the first bar I went to another and then to the 3rd anniversary party at yet another. Amazingly, I stopped myself at the door and said no more instead of spending 3,000 yen for all you can drink.

Although it was to my credit to have stopped it was really because I really couldn't drink anymore, which doesn't say much for me actually, does it? However, I did manage to walk all the way to the subway. I overshot my stop by one and ended up walking from there. I could have just taken the train one back but decided to walk and hopefully sober up that way. Before that I'd stopped at Mac's and had a gross breakfast of an EggMcMuffin, hash browns and coffee. Actually, the muffin was good, but the rest gross.

Before that, walking to the train, a bum passed me. He was picking up cigarette butts. I remembered the nearly full pack of cigarettes (my fourth that night!) that I had in my waist pouch and I went back and gave them to him. He bowed in thanks. I felt really good about that and it gave me the lift I needed to make it to the station without feeling too sick.

Really, when I think about it and actually write it down, I see what a shit night it was. All along, I'd been thinking I'd been doing so good because I stopped at the last place and because I took the train home. Ok, I did that but I still dropped money at two bars and smoked an unbelievable three plus packs of cigarettes. I had a horrible headache the next day. Like, duh, no wonder!

So, all that makes me all the more depressed on top of the problems with my horse. The dreams were horrible. Leaving her on the train with no food or anything and then losing her, intentionally almost and then pleading with people to call and try to find her.

That was the first night. Then last night, I was at the club but it was totally different, huge and over many fields and I couldn't anybody and the horse I needed or wasn't able to change and get ready in time. No one would help me. There was a dying dog where the horse I was supposed to get was, who I had to ride and the place was crowded and kept changing and it was way after the time for me to ride. It was awful. I couldn't get anything done. It was so frustrating. A girl I knew had said she would get my horse and I waited and waited and she never showed. Then I see her riding by on a bicycle and she said she hadn't bothered. I was so angry. I shouted after her that she was such a loser. I wonder if I weren't talking about myself.